For myself...

It seems that most of my friends have left the blogosphere, and I dabble so infrequently in it myself that I might as well stop writing as well. But, I have been encouraged just by reading my own few entries... and since I have a paper that is due tomorrow... I might as well warm up my fingers. 

That... and I felt like the emotions I wanted to express were not quite appropriate for Facebook general knowledge. You know? 

....those pictures and stories and status updates that are just written to make others feel jealous? Yeah, I don't want to be that girl. 

However, last night was so inexplicably wonderful that I have to try to express what I felt.

How did I get to be so blessed? 

I came home from work, and my wonderful husband had the chicken cooked and chopped, had just finished cooking the brown rice, and was in the process of carefully cutting the broccoli into little pieces. He loves cheesy rice and broccoli casserole, so he was making the components so all I had to do was put them all together with some homemade chicken-stock roux. 

Then I decided we needed some whole-wheat rolls... so I made some from scratch. :)

Then he made a fire in our fireplace... and we had a cozy dinner by the fire. 

Just the kind of romantic, wonderful, Alexis-would-barf-it-was-so-sweet kind of thing. 

So why do I feel like this is the amazing before the storm? Is it because I feel like there will be suffering around the corner and I don't want it? Is it because I know that life should be difficult, and I just want to keep the good? 

I do feel so guilty that life is so good right now, with only my circumstances at the clinic marring my absolute happiness. 

We are singing a song by John Wesley in Chorale (yes... not Charles... John), and it is so convicting... 

I am no longer my own, but thine.

Put me to what thou wilt, rank me with whom thou wilt.

Put me to doing, put me to suffering.

Let me be employed for thee or laid aside for thee,

exalted for thee or brought low for thee.

Let me be full, let me be empty.

Let me have all things, let me have nothing.

I freely and heartily yield all things to thy pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit,

thou art mine, and I am thine.

So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth,

let it be ratified in heaven.

Amen.

Dr. Brewton joked that all too often we want to sing every other line, "put me to doing... let me be employed... let me be full... let me have all things."  How un-jokelike is my desire for just these positives! 

Oh, but I don't want to dread the suffering, or being put aside, or brought low, or having nothing.... 

Oh God, help me to freely and heartily yield all things to Thy pleasure.