The countdown

hard work

For this formerly-single-girl who very much took that singleness on as part of my identity (who knew? I didn't!) ... there are quite a few "aha" moments that I've been having the last month. Sometimes they may be less 'aha' than "doi!" slap-on-the-forehead type moments... but yeah. They've been interesting.

One... and I know this is old hat and I read it a million and a half times and never believed it... but relationships take work. WORK. Good work. Work that is sometimes quite fulfilling. Yet, wow. Sometimes I get to the end of a week and I'm tired. Just done. And I want to hang out somewhere by myself, with a big book, and perhaps a bag of tortilla chips, and a large glass of iced coffee. And stop thinking so hard!

Weird, right? This extrovert is showing quite a few introvert moments these days... and I don't want to say "I don't love you,"  which is what I feel like I'm saying in essence when I need alone time. And I definitely do not want to become an introvert. I miss my friends! ... but I need time to organize my closet. Badly. (Maybe part of this is the uncertainty in moving this week?... the chaos of boxes and getting rid of stuff and seeing how much I have accumulated in one year is fairly ridiculous!)

Then there's the interspersed .... "eeek!" moments that occur at these times when I think about potential motherhood. That awe-inspiring, also much-desired status is accumulating some dinosaur proportioned uncomfortable thoughts. All my mother-friends tell me about how they want alone time and can't find it now that they have kids... and many of these women did not have the 'alone time' need with their fiances (at least that I heard of). The intimidation factor of motherhood is rising in my opinion!

I'm going to need to figure out my introvert tendencies... and get them squared away. And figure out the balance between good dependence and destructive independence...
....and right now, stop typing and put some stuff in boxes! Cause I'm getting married in 35 days!

Why weepest thou?

                   I woke up today around 4 from the most intense nightmare I've had in a while. You know, the kind that is so vivid you still are seething with the emotions you felt during that nightmare after you wake up?

I think what made this one worse is that it was in no way fantastical. No roaring waterfalls to plummet down while rafting- no orange and green eyed monsters chasing me - no hypothetical characters from a novel that became zombies.

           No, this nightmare was about my wedding rehearsal dinner, and me getting so angry that strangers (many of Chinese decent- go figure) were seriously delaying our leaving for this dinner by offering strong opinions about my wedding the following day. Why wasn't I spending all this money on a proper dress? or "(gasp) you aren't doing 'real' flowers?!" "How couldn't you get your hair professionally done?" "Why don't we just..."  Oh man. I'm still steamed. I mean, hiding my rehearsal dinner dress so I'll listen to your opinions? And then my hair clips??

Who dreams like this?
And... more crazily... who cries after such randomness?

Oh. This girl. And I had to take it to God. And write it out. And apparently, now write it out again.

The silver lining... is that this ridiculous dream is making me rethink how important these details should be. (Not. Not important.)

And to be continually seeking Him more. Obviously, I need Him to fix my heart.
If my subconscious is worried about these silly details a month away from the wedding, I need to take a chill pill. And realize what is actually at stake.

And ask myself- what will glorify God most??
Not flowers. Not mason jars. Not lace headbands. Not the right dress. Not the perfect hairstyle.

My heart. My attitude. My thoughts. My actions.

In praying about this, here at the crack of dawn and as I dried my tears, I started singing "I need thee every hour, o gracious Lord." Then I started thinking that I was singing the wrong words, but I wasn't!! Yet the rabbit trail of looking through hymnary.org to verify the words led me to the writer's bio, which in turn led me to another of her hymns. (See Psalms, Hymns, and Spiritual Songs class paying off even before grades are posted!) And I found 'Why weepest thou?'  

And each stanza prompted me to look to Jesus- to realize that the cross is more central and the brightest detail of my life- to be comforted by these reminding words.

I think I'm going to memorize the words as soon as I can get to a piano to actually learn this simple tune properly. And obscure as it is, I think it would be a great bedtime lullaby too.

    "O believe Him; O receive Him-
     There is none like Jesus;
     He is near Thee,
     He will cheer thee--
     Only trust in Jesus."

hmmmm

It's kinda discouraging when you finally have time to catch up on your friend's blogs... and you get to your blogger page and notice that your last blog update was... what?! In January?!
Insanity.

Crazyness has ensued in my life.
And.... I'm overwhelmed with blessedness. I have not been documenting the major paradigm changes over the last few months. But they have been huge. And I'm so grateful!

For one who was getting ready to practically write a dissertation on singleness and how a strong, single woman could still contribute usefully to a complimentarian church... becoming the one preparing for a wedding in 62 days has been... ridiculous.

Finishing the school year with seminary classes and also still working my 30+ hr workweek as an RN?

Yeah.
I'm glad classes are over for now.

I'd like to catch up on blogs and reading for fun and keeping my room clean and enjoying actually being engaged (seriously. You ever want something for so long that you don't even know what to do with yourself when you get it?! That's me. I'm looking forward to the next sixty days. Just so I can let this realization sink in. I'm getting married. ME. ;) I am getting married!)