thoughts on singleness... from the dark side

I hesitate to commit these thoughts to 'paper' ... but my Mom wisely discerned yesterday something about me that I hadn't yet figured out for myself.

Three years ago, I was hurting.... because I thought I was not good enough to be married yet... and that I was not attractive enough to be pursued by a man for marriage... and that perhaps maybe God had forgotten about me. That hurt, not imaginary but definitely based on some massive mistruths, became compounded after years of watching my friends fall in love, date, be pursued, get married and have kids. Many of them, without meaning to, no longer had time for me, their single friend. My loneliness now magnified the hurt, and I vowed that I would never EVER be that hurtful if I ever (miraculously) got married.

Somehow, I recognized even under the mountain of lies I made, that my friends did not forget me on purpose... I was willing to be generous and give them the benefit of the doubt that they were oblivious to anyone but themselves for a moment in time. Hopefully they would come back to me once they got over this phase of being newlyweds. Some did, some didn't. I resolved that those that didn't were good riddance... and I carried my hurt like a backpack.

Crazily enough... the miraculous happened... God reminded me that my lies were deep, insidious and so not true. And then He did one better, as He always does (if only we open our eyes to see it), and allowed an amazing, godly, quirky, funny, unexpected man to marry me. BOOM.

But that backpack of hurt that I had carried for so many years didn't just drop away. I had to peel it off. And boy... pre-marital counseling was no joke in that regard. I was a big blubbering mess, and somehow my husband chose to continue loving me. (wow, right?!) Some days, the backpack tries to sit in a visible corner, begs to be picked back up... and my dear husband has to remind me to take out that trash all over again.

Two days ago... even though the backpack wasn't visible... the red pressure marks that burden left on my shoulders showed up. I wanted to prove to my single girlfriend that she was important too, and that she was not forgotten. Even though I was married, I could still spend time with her and make her feel loved. I was not going to be the unfeeling married person. 

Ugh. Sadly, I did all that without regard to my husband's feelings. I left him at home, without really communicating my expectations for the evening, and then had the audacity to get upset at him because he wanted to know where I was and when I would be coming home! Oh. Me. Oh. My.

My mom asked me yesterday, in her blunt and honest fashion... if I remembered how I would drop anything to remain in his favor while we were dating. I loved him so much, that if he wanted me to text him, I would! At any time, no matter what- even if it seemed rude to my girlfriends. I tried to justify myself to her... and said, "well, obviously I still love him just as much. I'm just not as obsessed as I was when we were dating." She called out my balderdash, and challenged me again. Just because I was married did not give me license to now ignore my husband's feelings. OUCH. My mama knows how to call it.

That backpack of lies is full of lies. And those lies are still needing to be dealt with. God has not forgotten my single friends. They are not less worthy because they are not married. And they ARE beautiful, even if they don't feel that way or are not being pursued and recognized.

I'm not abandoning my single friends because I'm now married... but I am going to need to put them in perspective. And as much as it feels horrible to say this, my husband needs to be my priority. (even typing that seems wrong... my old single-self wants to cry out against that 'married snobbery' ... ) So I'm typing it again. God comes first, and then my husband needs to be my priority.

ramblings

So I've committed to journaling and blogging more... and though I don't feel like I've got an exceptional thought to share, or even anything of import... I'm sitting here typing. Firstly, because I was able to leave work an hour early today (yay!), and secondly, because I've committed to it, so I should probably make efforts toward that goal of recording more. Right?

Yesterday was our first day of Monday all-day clinics. I was not looking forward to this day. But, amazingly, Father gave me a peace that truly surpassed understanding. I do not know how I was able to work through the day, consistently, faithfully and uncomplainingly (well, maybe not completely blameless in this department- but SUCH an improvement that I hope it stood in stark contrast to my co-workers).

 I pray that I will be able to continue to honor my co-workers and boss in God-glorifying way... just as I was challenged two weeks ago during the sermon on 1 Pet 2... and not because I want to distinguish myself at the office either. I need to be focusing on doing what my Savior exemplified, no matter the reward here.

One year!

I've enjoyed catching up on some friend's blogs recently.
In addition, I've also been challenged to re-pick up the spiritual discipline of journaling.

On Navy Pier in Chicago- birthday/anniversary celebration!

     
         Between both of these impulses combined, I think I should be picking up the pace in the blogging department again. Blogging is a bit like journaling- while I tend to be a bit more emotional in my journal (because theoretically, someone could still be reading this blog- and I'd rather keep the crazy contained!) both function as a reminder to my faulty memory of all the good things God has given to me and all that He has worked in my life.

           And as I sit here in the early morning quiet of a Saturday morning... I am, one week later, still reveling in the fact that I have been married for one year! I don't even remember her question, but a thoughtful new friend was asking me about this anniversary, and I basically told her that I'm still in the stage where I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. This girl, who was struggling along trying to resign herself to figure out the single life, has been married a whole 365 days. It's crazy and amazing.