Only one passport

It's 4 am and I should be sleeping... So I started praying... The pastor's family and their daughter in the hospital, my dear husband, situations at work, this little one, the house we put an offer on last night... 

And then I realized, that in all of our conversations about how bi-racial this child was going to be... I never once thought that he/she will only have one citizenship. Till this early morning when it hit me with the finality of its verdict. That's it. The only option. One-country citizenship. 

It was a scary enough thought that made me even more desperate to jump on a plane. 

But this has got to stop. Seriously, this TCK thing may be an idol that needs dismantling in my heart. Proper perspective? Most people only have one citizenship, one point of view, one place "where they're from." 

The least I can do is allow my kid to answer one easy question that will always be thorny for mama. And hope that my stories and plenty of contact with both grandparents round out a worldview that's not centered around this country. 

My Oma

      On this Memorial Day, I had the chance to do laundry, clean the house a bit, and then even use my ancient sewing machine. As I was sewing my brain meandered to thinking about my dear Oma and her old foot pedal Serger. She is struggling lately with her health as her physical heart weakens... but her mind and her heart for God are as strong as ever.

       Oma raised 4 kids under the age of 5 (and then had a surprise child later in life that gave her a whole different set of heartaches during his teen years), learned Spanish without any formal lessons because she had to survive and feed those kids, she sewed and resewed hand-me-down clothes because they were so poor they could not afford anything else, and she just kept going through various hardships because she was convinced God had called her to this task of supporting her evangelist/preacher husband through these early years.

    She just kept going. I don't know if she asked herself whether this was what she had envisioned her life being like. I don't even know if she struggled with trust and contentment like I do. But I do know without a doubt that when I was a teen she counseled me that just because she was 50, it didn't mean that she didn't have feelings that she struggled through still. (Not comforting to me at 13, but somehow comforting to me now as I still struggle through the same feelings at 30!) Oma just did what had to be done.

   As I'm contemplating doing what I don't particularly dream of doing (working while being a mom), or exactly where I want to be doing (staying in one place). I want to be more like my Oma... I want to find contentment where God has me, instead of dreaming of other lands and other circumstances. And just do the next thing.

Growing Pains

These are the lovely hot air balloons that accompanied me to work last week... Louisville has been celebrating in full swing, preparing for the Derby with all its might. These bright spots of color were just a precursor to the exciting day that is today.

And I see pictures of my friends on Facebook... one friend is having a Derby Party (she did invite me- I'm not planning on going) and another friend went with some other single girls (dressed-up and with large hats!) to The Oaks celebrations yesterday.

Fun, right?

Yet here I am at home. Almost content to stay here; resting or boringly (but oh so satisfyingly), baking while my husband continues to prepare for his sermon tomorrow.

Content that is, until I see these pictures, and remember that I used to be a fun person!! I used to love being in the thick of these things. I was the thickener of these things! I miss it. I miss the old me a little. I miss having energy to join in (oh the tiredness this baby gives already), the gusto to make the socializing happen whenever, and the almost crazy pace of being in the middle of many groups of friends. I miss my part-time work schedule too, where socializing could happen on Wednesday morning impromptu coffee dates.

How crazy this all this is. As I am so, so happy with my introverted husband who gazes at me adoringly even as my body begins to stretch and expand and do such weird things. I am so blessed to be in a church, that tiny as it is, has real people living life with one another and they (who are so different than me) are becoming a consistent set of friends and co-laborers. And I'm going to be a mother soon. (I had to stop and take a deep breath after typing that sentence!!!!)

So- along with the discomfort of my stretching abdominal wall- I'm feeling the discomfort of a changing life. Not that I haven't felt these growing pains in my friendships before... because I have. Moving overseas does that. And then getting married does it too. But mostly... I just need to acknowledge that life changes, and it's allowed to. It's going to change a WHOLE LOT MORE in a few months. So right now, I'm allowing myself to mourn a little bit. Then I'm going to move on and be thankful for where God has placed me now, and look to Him in these continuing challenges and changes.