Mobile

I just had the thought that maybe there might be an app for blogger... And if I could write smaller posts more frequently, I could make this diary-like blog more profitable for myself. 

And BAM...here I am, posting from my smartphone. :) Pictures and everything!

UCAP

There is a professional development ladder in place at work, and after two years as a nephrology nurse you can apply to go to the second rung of the tier and become an RN 2. The biggest perk that I've heard of so far, is that you get a 50 cent raise. So, not really a huge incentive, but enough of one, right? I passed the landmark of enough hours of dialysis experience a few months ago, and so I'm now filling out the paperwork so that I can apply. Part of the application is writing an essay about an experience where you demonstrated your skills as a nephrology nurse and how you are thinking critically and putting together all the pieces with a specific patient... yada yada yada. I understand this BS from nursing school- I know what to say, and how to say it.
There's just one small hitch... I don't have a specific illustration because as a nurse I don't actually like to be a hero. I am not your girl to rush into an emergency situation and put together the pieces critically in order to save the patient. In situations that require quick thinking on your feet, I am not the girl for you. To my shame, I am that girl that can organize and think through a group of labs on a routine day. I'm your girl if you want to look at some trends from the clinic and print out a report and teach another nurse to print that report too. If you need that nurse that remembers the patient's penchant for certain habits, and reports that to the doctor during routine visits at appropriate times- I'm your girl. If you want to have papers organized and in a row and the process streamlined, I'm your girl. I will probably be able to gather myself enough to call 911 and administer CPR if you drop in front of me while I'm wearing scrubs... but that's only through the years of intense conditioning from my hospital days.
So I don't exactly have any heroic moments to report on for the UCAP, and not only does it frustrate me, but this illustrates exactly why I'm not really super excited to be a nurse when you ask. I'm just so thankful that right now I'm in a job where I can make myself useful by organizing charts and teaching patients to care for themselves a bit better. I'm making a difference- even if it's not directly saving someone's life and being that hero I wanted to be in nursing school.

Combating my short memory

How nice to sit on the couch and have time to gather myself... even if I don't feel 100% right now.

And then I thought... I haven't updated my blog in a bit... better get on it.  ... ... Eh, I don't have anything to write about, really.

Wait.

Back up.

Of course I do.

How about how God totally got me through this week at work?
We were down a two nurses Monday, and down our most experienced nurse the whole week,  I had end of month paperwork to do, our secretary had been out three days last week so I was doing parts of her job to catch her up, I was prepping to be gone the next two weeks, we were suddenly training two new patients and I (the newbie!!) was in charge of decisions... and as the week avalanched to an end, my paperwork was piling up to insurmountable levels and just to fulfill a basic part of my job, since no one else was willing to contribute to training this one patient, I was going to have to go into overtime (which is highly frowned upon to the highest levels right now). Sigh. What was I going to do?

Long story short... that one patient transferred to another clinic due to outside circumstances... and suddenly I had Thursday afternoon and Friday morning to do paperwork and take care of the few patients that dropped in to the office!!

What a blessing... and I say this especially because I sent myself home with a weird stomach bug thing Friday afternoon. Not only did I not have overtime... I had under-time :)

I need to do a better job of remembering what He's done for me. Not just in my current circumstances, but for all aspects of His saving grace. I think it would do wonders for daily attitude struggles, and those pesky momentary doubts in my thought patterns.

in the waiting

There's an element to this waiting that I did not expect as we anticipate his graduation date... and as we have started this adoption process... and as I step fully into my third decade instead of just hovering at the edge...

And that is all these questions!

What kind of work will he look for? Church or secular or both (you know, bivocational ministry)? Will we still be in Louisville? What kind of income will that leave us at? Will I finally be able to leave this nursing gig, or will I have to figure out how to steel myself into continuing? If we wait much longer, will I still be able to have my own children? How much of a priority is it for us, or are we good with just adoption? Are we doing international or domestic adoption? (I would happily go either way) What kind of parents are we going to be? What does that even remotely look like (I know we won't know till it happens, but I can't even remotely imagine what we would look like as parents)?

I'm grateful for blog posts... and most recently John Piper's decision to rehash a 1983 sermon on how to find strength in the strength of God. I have not even begun to start internalizing the message... and this nowhere near answers any of the above questions... but I want to begin memorizing these promises of God now as we look to the future.

1. “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
2. “My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)
3. “God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:8)
4. “‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” (Hebrews 13:5–6)
5. “The Lᴏʀᴅ God is a sun and shield; the Lᴏʀᴅ bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” (Psalms 84:11)
6. “He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?” (Romans 8:32)
7. “Surely goodness and mercy shall pursue me all the days of my life.” (Psalms 23:6)
8. “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7)
9. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
10. “Call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.” (Psalms 50:15)

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/how-to-find-strength-in-the-strength-of-god

thoughts on singleness... from the dark side

I hesitate to commit these thoughts to 'paper' ... but my Mom wisely discerned yesterday something about me that I hadn't yet figured out for myself.

Three years ago, I was hurting.... because I thought I was not good enough to be married yet... and that I was not attractive enough to be pursued by a man for marriage... and that perhaps maybe God had forgotten about me. That hurt, not imaginary but definitely based on some massive mistruths, became compounded after years of watching my friends fall in love, date, be pursued, get married and have kids. Many of them, without meaning to, no longer had time for me, their single friend. My loneliness now magnified the hurt, and I vowed that I would never EVER be that hurtful if I ever (miraculously) got married.

Somehow, I recognized even under the mountain of lies I made, that my friends did not forget me on purpose... I was willing to be generous and give them the benefit of the doubt that they were oblivious to anyone but themselves for a moment in time. Hopefully they would come back to me once they got over this phase of being newlyweds. Some did, some didn't. I resolved that those that didn't were good riddance... and I carried my hurt like a backpack.

Crazily enough... the miraculous happened... God reminded me that my lies were deep, insidious and so not true. And then He did one better, as He always does (if only we open our eyes to see it), and allowed an amazing, godly, quirky, funny, unexpected man to marry me. BOOM.

But that backpack of hurt that I had carried for so many years didn't just drop away. I had to peel it off. And boy... pre-marital counseling was no joke in that regard. I was a big blubbering mess, and somehow my husband chose to continue loving me. (wow, right?!) Some days, the backpack tries to sit in a visible corner, begs to be picked back up... and my dear husband has to remind me to take out that trash all over again.

Two days ago... even though the backpack wasn't visible... the red pressure marks that burden left on my shoulders showed up. I wanted to prove to my single girlfriend that she was important too, and that she was not forgotten. Even though I was married, I could still spend time with her and make her feel loved. I was not going to be the unfeeling married person. 

Ugh. Sadly, I did all that without regard to my husband's feelings. I left him at home, without really communicating my expectations for the evening, and then had the audacity to get upset at him because he wanted to know where I was and when I would be coming home! Oh. Me. Oh. My.

My mom asked me yesterday, in her blunt and honest fashion... if I remembered how I would drop anything to remain in his favor while we were dating. I loved him so much, that if he wanted me to text him, I would! At any time, no matter what- even if it seemed rude to my girlfriends. I tried to justify myself to her... and said, "well, obviously I still love him just as much. I'm just not as obsessed as I was when we were dating." She called out my balderdash, and challenged me again. Just because I was married did not give me license to now ignore my husband's feelings. OUCH. My mama knows how to call it.

That backpack of lies is full of lies. And those lies are still needing to be dealt with. God has not forgotten my single friends. They are not less worthy because they are not married. And they ARE beautiful, even if they don't feel that way or are not being pursued and recognized.

I'm not abandoning my single friends because I'm now married... but I am going to need to put them in perspective. And as much as it feels horrible to say this, my husband needs to be my priority. (even typing that seems wrong... my old single-self wants to cry out against that 'married snobbery' ... ) So I'm typing it again. God comes first, and then my husband needs to be my priority.

ramblings

So I've committed to journaling and blogging more... and though I don't feel like I've got an exceptional thought to share, or even anything of import... I'm sitting here typing. Firstly, because I was able to leave work an hour early today (yay!), and secondly, because I've committed to it, so I should probably make efforts toward that goal of recording more. Right?

Yesterday was our first day of Monday all-day clinics. I was not looking forward to this day. But, amazingly, Father gave me a peace that truly surpassed understanding. I do not know how I was able to work through the day, consistently, faithfully and uncomplainingly (well, maybe not completely blameless in this department- but SUCH an improvement that I hope it stood in stark contrast to my co-workers).

 I pray that I will be able to continue to honor my co-workers and boss in God-glorifying way... just as I was challenged two weeks ago during the sermon on 1 Pet 2... and not because I want to distinguish myself at the office either. I need to be focusing on doing what my Savior exemplified, no matter the reward here.

One year!

I've enjoyed catching up on some friend's blogs recently.
In addition, I've also been challenged to re-pick up the spiritual discipline of journaling.

On Navy Pier in Chicago- birthday/anniversary celebration!

     
         Between both of these impulses combined, I think I should be picking up the pace in the blogging department again. Blogging is a bit like journaling- while I tend to be a bit more emotional in my journal (because theoretically, someone could still be reading this blog- and I'd rather keep the crazy contained!) both function as a reminder to my faulty memory of all the good things God has given to me and all that He has worked in my life.

           And as I sit here in the early morning quiet of a Saturday morning... I am, one week later, still reveling in the fact that I have been married for one year! I don't even remember her question, but a thoughtful new friend was asking me about this anniversary, and I basically told her that I'm still in the stage where I want to pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. This girl, who was struggling along trying to resign herself to figure out the single life, has been married a whole 365 days. It's crazy and amazing.

New Chapter

A new chapter in our lives has started- at least it feels that way. We have moved into our new apartment! And even though it was only physically a few steps across a parking lot- it sure feels like a big change. I loved our little place, but this new apartment has already been so worth the move. We have a dining room with a big new dining room table... More room for guests! And though it's still a one-bedroom place, the extra space in the living room gives us more room for guitars and maybe a future small group bible study? We also have enough shelf room both in the living room and in the kitchen! Such a blessing, since my husband says, "most of what we own is dishes and books." :) 

And the other change... we had our last Sunday at Chinese church at the end of June. So the first week of July found us at our new neighborhood church! Not only was it refreshing spiritually because of an expositional bible sermon, but we were also warmly welcomed with open arms by 8 familiar faces- we had already met everyone present during a last visit. Fellowship can definitely be sweet even in small numbers. Funny story too- the preacher that week found out that we were planning on coming that Sunday- and the Monday before we came, he asked us if we could help lead music worship since there was no one other than him available to do it that Sunday. So we gladly helped out. 

Then, this last Friday we went to the International Fellowship group that the church has started when they realized there were Chinese immigrants in our area that were hungry to know about Jesus and make American friends. It was interesting to interact with those who came- from all over China and with varying levels of English and knowledge about God. Definitely got much more pressure to learn Mandarin from this group than from our old church. (Eeks)

Work is still challenging for me, in dealing with co-workers and negative attitudes, but the actual work duties and opportunities that I get to help patients has been good. I'm so thankful for that. 

What else was I wanting to tell you? I have told you the two major exciting waves... the other things I have to say are probably little fun little shells that I'm picking up here and there, but my hands are so full of shells that the little joyful, colorful ones seem to slip through my fingers! 

Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to work I go

 I'm more like Grumpy,
but I'd rather be Happy!!

So it has now been two weeks at the new job... working 8-5 Monday through Friday. Home dialysis RN, that's me.
And boy... is it work!

I thought the schedule would be liberating in a way... and yes, it is. I no longer am at the mercy of random schedules, two-days-on and then three-days-on, and early bedtimes, and physically demanding 10-11-12 hr shifts.

Yet the pressures of the daily wake-up (meh)... and the never ending week (TGIF finally means something)... and right now, the assaulting rawness of being the newbie on the block (new office dynamics, personality squabbles, not knowing what's expected of you yet, and learning new policies and procedures)... Sigh.

Mostly I think my problem is that I'm sinfully still expecting work to not be work...  :P 

Worship thoughts

What does worship mean when your struggling church doesn't "do" worship? 

What does worship mean outside musical harmony and overflowing heart thankfulness?

 When you expect the overflow and harmony and

 strive towards it, and mostly discord and mistakes result instead?

What does worship mean when you want to help others 

to see Jesus, but they see your imperfections instead? 

Practiced off and on with another girl at church for about a month... because we both love God and love music. Though we aren't often on the same page musically, we tried to integrate our 'styles' and we discussed what we thought of worship and how we could worship God more fully. We both agreed that worship in our church is ill-defined and poorly carried out, and we wanted to work together to change that. 

Yet as we practiced... and tried piano and/or guitars... and some very flat harmonies... I got frustrated, because I wanted better. I wanted my heart to be purer, and my devotion to be more sincere. Yet mostly I wanted my fingers to be stronger, and my voice to be clearer. 

And in my personal struggle between cultivating a worshipful heart and remembering the many professional sounding musically-gifted worship leaders I've been blessed by through the years... I veered down that deceiving, rocky road where the music becomes the focus instead of treasuring, honoring, and glorifying the Almighty.   .... Forgive me, Lord, for failing over this again...